I haven't been programming much for a time. Dunno, just don't feel like it. So, while progress was slow, and still unfinished, I still programm for a bit. This time I make useful search, how it is recommended in the Material guidelines.
Even though I really want to make apps and learn a living for it, I don't know how can I do it. Sometimes, I feel that only luck can help me, so, it is hard for me to start programming in the day. I get this feeling that I want a lot but noone of it will come true, or something. At the end of the day, when I see something cool, some very splendid app, I think "hey, that's cool, I can use this in my app". But then I think that I wanted to be a part of something great too, something that would be used by lots of people. But I don't know how do I do it, I'm very uncertain of my own abilities.
Lately, I've stayed up late for far too long. I couldn't sleep, I thought about wat is going to be next and thoughts didn't let me sleep much. I thought that I waste my life for nothing at the end of the day, that I spend my time confined to this bed with nothing much to show. When you know that your world is so small that doesn't make anything better.
Besides job, I thought about father a lot. That is very petty thing, but I'm sad and hold a grudge against him, because I feel I'm being unjustly misunderstood. I thought "why can't they give me a slack?", but at the end how can he know it all if I'm the one who doesn't say a thing? Even though it's all simple, it costs nothing to call and wish a happy birthday, but he haven't called for so many years now. That may make no sense, but when he said "you know, I don't like when people take advantage of me" I took great offense. I thought that asking for help with job is no use of other, since I've been nothing but good to him, but how can I explain that there is a reason why I never would call? At least I wanted to be selfish too.
The other thing wat I've been thinking about is sex and how I wish not to participate in it all. Or so I thought. Actually, I don't really know. But one time I had this dream, you know, and in that dream I felt warmth of a body of a different kind. And I thought, maybe it's just me who doesn't feel that much? When I take a walk, I think about random stuff, from programming stuff to some other inspirational stuff. But I never think about home, or that I have something to do, or that I'm busy, or that I should hurry. But I still feel incredibly anxio
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