R: 31 / I: 12 Experimentations
It feels good to be in the driver seat. Just be able to drive, perhaps aimlessly, all around. To see nature, or sundown. Take off your mind and, just like in those posters, ride into sunset with some vaporwave music turned on
That is wat I do frequently, and it helps me with easing a bit. I just like seeing all those trees and shops and gas stations. They remind me of those days when nothing really mattered and anything goes
Snow is going to fall soon. And I havent yet made up my mind on wat I want to do with my life. It seemed not so long ago that everything just kinda went by its own but now Ive suddenly realized that Im stuck. I thought that just having a job and a family and friends is good enough on its own, and it is. Its just that I feel no progress in life
Before, there wasnt such a problem. Straight out of the school I always knew wat I wanted to do, it just come natural to me. I went to study more, as it is the most obvious thing to do. Time passed and now Im here, in the seat of my car, not knowing where should I go
Sometimes, I hang out with my friends. We like to play most boring games, and it was always more fun that way. This week is the second that I skip on it all, whereever theyve wanted to go this time, I just feel that I cant go. Something more important must be done first, but what is it? Dont feel much of a clue
It is depressing, in a way. It is snowing already and everything is beautiful outside. But also it is the most lonely, the pure white snow is just not vibrant enough I guess. With the night time, night lights will be turned on and the town will be lit a light. My favorite time of the day, as it makes soon-to-be-winter more mysterious, interesting, deep…
With a bottle in my hand I go home. Sometimes, it is okay to drink a little. To ease up and take off mind from stuff. Relax and stuff. Maybe couple of beers, it is not a biggie
Then, it is winter already. Now it snows frequently and a lot. I have to shovel the snow but my hands are trembling now. Im hardly fit to do any work at all but when looking in the window, I like what I see. Snow just makes everything look magical
It is quite useless now that it occurred to me, to drink. After the first euphoria of being piss drunk all there is is just stupidity in continuing. If Ive wanted to do something more interesting with my life, definitely wouldnt drink
But I cant stop now for the same reason. There is just no reason to stop now, isnt it? I need that to live now. I cant exist without it now. And stopping now just looks incorrect. At least Im going somewhere with it, and that on its own is far better position to be in
Summer. All the snow has melted away long ago. Ive been stuck at my place for months now. In indecision about everything and anything. What is important and what isnt, Ive been trying to think but that I hardly can do. I crave alcohol and nothing more. All that once was now I hardly can see as important. But here is a devil's twist, now alcohol is wat really is important. Alcohol is definitely the thing that is plainly obvious has importance. Nothing can be compared to it, joy or pleasure, nothing. Alcohol and thats it. Even time is no longer so important as I dont remember half of the things happening to me
Maybe Im too old now. Im afraid, I can die soon. I thought that I was young but it seems that Im not. I dont remember how much time has passed now. Before, when at times I thought about time and death, Ive felt fear and saddness. Now it seems that Im so old that I dont care about it anymore. Indecision has left me, it seems that the problem wasnt that I didnt care enough. But that I cared too much for my own good