No. 303288 [PM]
In a dark lit room, almost too dark, lies a man in a gown. On the operaring table, with the light beaming at his face, he lies in solemnity, under the effect of anesthesia. It appears that before, something has been done to his body and now he lies alone in the room, by himself. The room itself is small enough to fit small team of surgeons and the patient, with the tools tray
He lies and looks up, without movement. With eyes open, he thinks of the operation that has been done to him
… I thought that I would be happy when I wake up and realize that the operation was successful. Now Im not so sure. Im afraid, my hands are all precipitous, I cannot stop being terrified. I remember from my sleep, at one point, I have died for a moment and my feelings started to be random, as if a feeling was a color that is unlike anything youve seen and with it my self began dissolving into the void, like foreground which merges with the background. And in this moment, Ive felt the beginning of dying
He murmured to himself. His expression is bleak, the face is made up of desperation and sadness, with the eyes looking down, muscules relaxed
No one is around to hear this testament. Everyone is left and it seemed like theyve forgot about him. The door is not even closed and yet, no traffic is happening on the outside of the room, it is as if the operation is still in progress. But what is to be done here? By the looks of it, the man appears to be fully functional, with the only suspicion of the mental state
… Theyve said, my case is terminal and unresolvable. I have three months to live and after that, over. I couldnt believe that, how could it be? Ive got no symptoms and yet, ill the doctor says. With the terminal illness with no chances of survival. I thought, that must be a mistake, that must be a lie. I refused to accept this and thought of it as a joke. Then Ive told my friend and he took me to a remote clinic, far away from my home. He took me by hand and it he took it far too serious than I did at the time. Then, Ive got a second check up. And this time the doctors confirmed the previous diagnosis. I didnt believe it was a joke after. The doctor gave me a choice, an operation with a low chance of survival or undeniable death
The choice he took was obvious. And yet, due to the complexity of the condition, it appears that the operation wasnt entirely successful. If it was, wouldnt he be surrounded by congratulations by now? With people by all sides, cheering, and doctors with long smiles. And yet no one is around
I thought I would be happy but now I feel like it is a terrible mistake that Ive survived. The feeling of "about to die" is terrifying, but how can I live now knowing how it is? That death is nothing more than the return to something, to someone, to somewhere. What I feel now that life is a disappointment, and for me now, a punishment. How can I recover, start living again, start walking, eating. Start going to a job, to a grocery store. To see my family, to be a functional being, if I feel like I know everything about life now. It is as if life is no puzzle at all, there never was a solution, and it all makes sense in the moment when you die. I could never get over it